If They Made a Movie about Grant Writing Consultants......

It would be a thriller.  Yes, I'm sure of that. It would be an action-packed, intrigue-driven thriller that would keep you on the edge of your seat. I'm talking about the kind of thriller that is somewhere between Speed (with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves) and Matt Damon's The Bourne Identity, but it would have the heart of a drama - think about the perseverence of The Shawshank Redemption.  And it would also have some of the recklessness of Thelma and Louise.

I would be played, of course, by Kathy Bates, who would certainly win an Academy Award for her sensitive portrayal of such a complex character. Other grant writing consultants in the movie would be played by Brad Pitt and Shirley McClain, with supporting roles filled by Ben Affleck, and other fine actors. Richard Gere would be in it just because.

Here's the basic plot:

Our heroine, Kathy Bates, would get a phone call charging her to write a very competitive grant in a very short period of time. She would argue briefly that it couldn't be done, but she'd be told that it must be done and it must be successful because the fate of free world is in her capable hands. She would call her colleagues Brad Pitt (who's having a beer at Rubicon) and Shirley MacLaine (who is somewhere in the moutains firewalking and getting in touch with her Chi) who would rush back into town to help.

Brad Pitt would work with the client to get the data needed for the grant, but it wouldn't arrive.  Kathy Bates would yell, "But tell them we must have it!" and Brad would valiantly declare, "Don't worry, I'll get it," as he hopped on his trusty steed (old Honda) and headed out to pick up the data personally. Richard Gere would just massage Kathy's back while she wrote, whispering, "You can do it.  I know you can," into her ear while she writes.

Tight shot on the clock spinning wildly as the time passes, and the calendar as the days fly by....

Shirley MacClaine tirelessly does research while support staff member Tina Fey works on the budget. Ben Affleck answers the phone with expert skill, keeping would-be interrupters away with a polite, but firm, "No, you can't speak with her.  She's saving the world!"

As the deadline draws nearer, the pressure mounts.  Shirley floats in and out picking up pieces here and there and offering her expertise.  Brad  remains calm on outside while expertly assembling appendices. Kathy's fingers sieze up from the pain, but Richard massages the pain away.

As the first draft is complete, in walks Helen Mirren, competently and calmly proclaiming, "I'll take over from here," as she sits with the narrative and begins proofreading and editing, her pen flying across the page as Richard offers Kathy cool grapes, Tina wraps up the budget, Shirley finalizes the abstract, and Brad  talks to the client on the phone, assuring him that all is well.

Suddenly, Tina shouts, "Nooooo!!!!! The web portal is down!" Kathy rushes into her office, knocking Richard down on the way (sorry, Richard). "But it can't be down!  The grant is due in 2 hours!" Tina just rocks back and forth, "It's down, it's down, it's down, oh my god it's down....."

Helen retains her predator-like focus on the editing task.

Tina says, "Wait!  I think I can hack into the portal through the government's evaluation site..."

"Do it!" shouts Kathy, "Do it NOW!"

Ben shouts at someone on the phone, "New phone service?  Are you crazy?  This is no time for solicitation!  She doesn't want to talk you.  She'll never want to talk to you!"  As he slams the phone down, Tina explains, "I'm in!"

"Great," sighs Kathy, "Let's get this baby uploaded and put to bed."

"Ready!" says Helen, as she hands over a perfectly edited draft to Kathy.

Shirley calmly floats in, "I knew everything would be ok."

"Don't be so sure," cautions Kathy. "We're not out of the woods yet."

Tina, Brad, and Helen work together to get all the documents uploaded, while Shirley and Kathy sip some tea.

Tina announces, "Done! The grant has been submitted...on time!"

Helen adds, "And it's a good one!"

Kathy comments, with a matter of fact tone, "Of course it is."  Then she looks around for Richard....

Ben answers the phone and tells Kathy, "It's Mr. Non-Profit. He says he has a challenging project for you.....and it's due next week."

Kathy sips her tea, raises and eyebrow, and says, "Oh?  Sounds intriguing.  Brad, Shirley, we have another assignment!"

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